Updated on November 1, 2006
Breaking News – Kerry Apologizes
Today, the devil’s minions are busy putting out Ice freezes all over hell. Apparently, an ice-onist is responsible for the fact that hell is indeed freezing over. All evidence is pointing to John Kerry. We go now live to hell for this late breaking report from CJ:
CJ: Patriot thank you so much. Less than 24 hours after the Senator from Massachusettes, John Kerry, made this statement…[cut to audio]
“I apologize to no one!”
CJ:…he’s changed his tune. Apparently, he voted to not apologize BEFORE voting to apologize, according to sources that I’ve made up. This comment has created quite the fervor here in hell, Patriot, as you can imagine.
Satan’s minions can be heard writhing in pain, screaming “why, John, why? We had a good thing going, John!” An emergency meeting among the top Devilish staffers was immediately called to decide whether or not John Kerry’s tenure in hell should be relooked after his comments today: “I personally apologize to any service member, family member, or American who was offended.” Among the attendees was Senator Kennedy.
Back to you, Patriot, in the ASP studios. It’s hot down here, but getting colder by the minute.